Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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