Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
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I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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