I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
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I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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