People in love make me want to vomit
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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