he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
