im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
