Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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