It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
