Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
