I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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