I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
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This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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