i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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