Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
