I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
