If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So squirting runs in the family.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
