The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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