p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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