I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
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Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
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I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire