can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time