May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
