He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
