Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You're like the curious george of whores
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
