he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
