Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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