Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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