I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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