I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
