my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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