Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
