Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
