I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize