i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
