I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Actions speak louder than pants.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
