So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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