Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
