I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
