I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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