she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
