When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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