I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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