I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
