I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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