dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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