chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.