I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
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Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️