1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
