I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize