my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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