If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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