Whatcha textin bout Willis?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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