i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.