I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
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i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
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I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life