I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis