Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine