It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
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My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?