Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
