when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
