Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
