i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
