He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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